[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better