Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.