If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
What personal space?
My dog
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.