The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this