Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
the composer
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator