Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The Friday File.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked