No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
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waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The news in a nutshell.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.