I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like