ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My whole life was a lie.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.