My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
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It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
classic mixup
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
live long and prosper!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?