I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
You Might Also Like
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The fall of Netflix
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone