You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
for all #parents out there
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.