My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!