4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities