I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
japanese corn
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*