Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The three genders.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings