Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You Might Also Like
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow