Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
A wise man once said nothing.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl