Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Ok but actually
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again