Adultry does not sound fun at all
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses