This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Catercrombie & Fish
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*