What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
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Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back