Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.