Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation