Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.