“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.