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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon