[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”