When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.