Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?