[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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When you’re here for the treats.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.