me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
me: my friends:
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”