[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Watson was Holmes schooled
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”