My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Important
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Always the camel, never the toe.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”