before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away