I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.