Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Has science gone too far?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
True
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*