if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
âI donât see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?â
some people say April Foolâs Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, thatâs hardcore
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didnât even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from âyour family is in my thoughtsâ to âyour family is in my thighsâ and now Iâm blocked.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?đ§đ€Ł
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Canât function when offline
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
âOnlyPamsâ: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancĂ©âs for quirky co-workers.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Whatâs that, Lassie? Whereâs Timmy? The butcherâs? I hope youâre right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Seems like the âhow to use a fire extinguisherâ video on YouTube shouldnât have a 30 second ad before it.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.