*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”