#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
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[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.