Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.