Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
awkward
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago