Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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Geez man, take it easy.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.