I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
😆this is so true
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.