Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
What even happened today?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*