my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!