celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad: