Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.