The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn