About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Dolls on drugs
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks